The Complete Military History of France,............

.......is this a fair account? Seemingly an old piece but apologies to the French especially the military, French bloggers and French friends I used to have and know:P, well technically there was probably a few Irish involved on both sides!

On my way to fecking London for a job interview with a reasonable chance of getting it (he says, well a friend put a good word in for me), stuck in a suit and tie in this fecking heat!

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

28mm American War of Independence Game but.....

....is it ever too hot to game? Last Saturday in Gravesend was like a volcano had been discovered under Posties Wargames shed, it was like a reservoir in the underwear hot, my crackers were baking!

So 6 of the Rejects turned up last Saturday for this game of the AWI featuring quality British troops asleep in their tents with naval support and damn tired Americans who had marched through the night to trap the British (this meant the American units had to roll a D6 every time they moved or fired and on a 1 they lost a quarter in movement or a dice in shooting!) but did I mention it was hot!

Lurker: Ray, you're too close!
Ray: I'm trying to get near the fan!
Lurker: You're dripping on me!
Ray: I'm taking my shoes off, the kids have the paddling pool out next door!
Lurker: Ray, come in and throw your dice and get out of the paddling pool for fecks sake, I'm not moving your troops...it's too hot!
Lurker:......and put your top back on as well!

Anyway back to the game, The American War of Independence or The American Revolutionary War (1775-1783) started as a war between Great Britain and the new United States of America, but would expand to a global war between Britain on one side and the United States, France and Spain (some say the Netherlands as well) on the other. The main result was an American victory, with mixed results for the other powers, more here.

The scenario was the British were sleeping in their tents near a port and the Americans had marched through the night to catch them on the hop, we got close with a dice roll but not close enough and one of the American brigades was all militia quality!

Ray, myself and John were the Americans and Surjit and Dave were the British and their Brunswicker allies....

Rules used were Age of Reason and turns were card driven....

Did I mention it was hot!

Battle of View-Point 18th August 1777

Initial table set up.......

The British tents with sleeping troops represented outside, Postie used card to represent the tents...

My brigade with a dice roll has made it to the edge of the woods without being detected....

Ray and John's brigades await the order.....

Contractual Postie shot, his brain fried, well it's the only reason for some of his decisions...

The British redoubt with their main guns facing the sea and not allowed to be moved either but the crew were another thing....

Yet more sleeping British.....

Can you smell bacon?

The port town and ship with cannons!!!!!

The British commander thanking his American host for his hospitality, I had hoped to capture the bugger but he hoofed it....

9 dead with one broadside!!!!!!

....and we're off!

..the American owner thinks about legging it!

Look at the size of this Hessian unit, 24 figures to a standard 16 of most of the Americans.....

The Brunswicker grenaider unit is a little smaller....

This wagon was loaded with explosive by the British and only required a 4, 5 or 6 on a dice roll, it never happened for them....shame!

Some plotting and questions spotted or otherwise known as shenanigans!

The British advance.....

.....from their point of view!

Ray considering another trip to the paddling pool......

I approach the British lines but these fences cause disorder marker for just crossing....

American brigade arrives as reinforcements....

The wagon is assaulted to clear it?

Two routing units were eventually saved but things are tough at the front.....

So the militia sneak around the back of the town.....

The town was a major objective and we threw a lot at it.....

....even from the rear!

The game at the end, a sweaty draw!

We were forced (Americans) to do an army withdrawal check due to severe casualties, which we passed and if the game went on longer I believe we would have won, the British are too strong in defence (and attack) and only some lucky dice rolls kept us in it but did I say it was hot!