This is a story I came across years ago and lost but found again, I hope you enjoy.
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a Chilli cook-off competition about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you’re like me, you will be howling loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the West coast:
“Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment & I just happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the time cam. I was assured by the other two judges (both native Texans), that the Chilli wouldn’t be that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI # 1 MIKE’S MANIACMOBSTER CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
FRANK: Holy shit!!!, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE 1: Smokey, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exiting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children; I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI # 3 FRED’SFAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA. I’ve located a Uranium spill, my nose feels like I snorted Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back: now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting’ shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE 1: Black bean Chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of Lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to tasteit, is it possible to burn your taste buds? Sally the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills: that 300lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI #5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers made a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pissed me off when the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILLI #6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian chilli. Good balance of spices & peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. ,I shit myself when I farted and am worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand beside me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone”!!!
CHILLI #7 SUSAN’S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes like the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin & I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI# 8 LESTER’SLAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS CHILLI
JUDGE 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but not spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge 3 passes out, fell over & pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it, poor yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli.